Faith · grief · Uncategorized

One Year Without You

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photo by Bekah Scadding

One whole year without you. Without your sweet words, your touch, your gentle leadership, your ridiculous shenanigans, your drive, your friendship.

You were the most incredible person I have ever met. You were so charismatic and strong, yet kind and approachable. You were extremely humble, even though you were very successful and smart and accomplished so much at a young age. You valued people and made them feel important. You considered their souls more than anything and were able to sincerely connect with everyone you met.

You are my greatest love and the best choice I ever made.

I remember marrying you at 20 and feeling people’s judgement… because getting married that young is crazy, right?! Not with Marcus. I knew as soon as we met that he was it. And now at 30 and watching so many bad relationships fall apart, I realize what a gamble that was. But even so, it wasn’t. Because it was Marcus. He was worth any risk.

You called me Iggles and Bub. Iggles because I guess I was giggly when we were dating (I was 17, ok!) and Bub was short for babe. I think. He was just so good to me. He loved me. He really showed me he cared. He dated me and respected me. He gave me everything I wanted and the life of a princess. I felt valued, like I was the most important person in the world. And he treated me well, giving me everything I could have wanted and more.

He was the greatest father. He was so patient, so focused and intentional. He made time when there was no time. I remember our vacation on Lake Winnipisaukee. He got up at the crack of dawn one day, drove 5 hours to a meeting in Greenwich, CT, and surprised us by showing back up that evening.

He would spend hours on the floor with the kids, meeting them where they needed to be met. They knew their daddy loved them just by the way they were treated. But he also made sure we all heard it. He told us he loved us thousands of times. Maybe more.

His life was a commitment to serving others. He loved with his actions and not just words. He loved big and with purpose.

I never had to question his love or our relationship.

It hurts so bad to live this life without him. We are doing really well in spite, but it’s awful. The worst thing I would have imagined in this life would have been him dying. And it happened. And it still doesn’t make sense to me because he was GOOD. And godly. And loving. And honest. And loyal. And all that is so rare.

But I know that something happens when someone dies. People paid attention to Marcus when he was alive because his life commanded attention. But when he died, people stood up. Everyone wept. We all felt it. This one was good, and he’s gone. So the lessons we all learned from him in this life are now crystallized and cemented. His words are gold. His legacy is forever intact. And the most wonderful thing about his legacy, is it’s Jesus’ legacy. He lived life for Him, and pointed others to Him in all he did.

I miss him. Every day. Life just hurts without him in it.

I am thankful for a God who hears me. I am thankful for my Lord who provides for me, before the need is even known. God has proved Himself so real over this past year, in all the pain and confusion, that I can’t help but have peace. I mean, I’m not happy. God and I are going to have some talks when I get to Heaven… but I have peace. In a place where there is no happiness, He gave me peace. In a place where nothing made sense, He made a way.

One whole year. My lifetime without you. But forever hope in Jesus.

photo by Nicole Baas

See the post I wrote one month after he passed here.

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