One Month

It has been one month since my husband passed away. A sudden shock and blow to our family, completely turning our lives upside down. He was our rock, the captain who steered this ship, and now he is gone. We are still in shock and baffled at how we can continue on and pretend life is any semblance of normal.

Everything I have written on this blog prior to this point seems absolutely trivial. Fashion, motherhood, gift round ups, all things that in the light of my husband’s death, so small.

In light of all that, I cancelled my blog host early this week. How can I even justify paying money to write about something that was seemingly insignificant. But then God put it on my heart to write. Nothing like I have ever written or even had the boldness to share online. When someone walks through a tragedy, you have options. I can choose to wallow and turn myself into a recluse and bask in my pain. OR I can praise the One who created this universe and delight in His goodness, because, hear me, HE IS STILL GOOD. Sometimes it is like an out of body experience, saying these words. But they are coming from my soul, because my conscious mind still doesn’t quite understand it. How can God be good and I am sitting over here doubled over in emotional agony?

I don’t think I will ever understand it fully.

What I am thankful for are those who have traveled this path, or similar ones before me.

Job 2:10 says “…shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?”

How can I live a life and expect no sadness? No pain or anguish? God didn’t devise this horrible plan to rip the love of my life away from me, just so I can relish in this twisted pain. BUT. But God. God ALLOWS these situations so I can draw near to Him. He allowed my husband to be taken from me at the age of 32, leaving me as a 29 year old widow with three kids, five and under. He allowed this pain in our lives so we can be helpless and lean on HIM for help.

Life isn’t fair.

But my God is good. He is faithful and has sustained us thus far. And when I don’t understand or get overwhelmed, I can lean on Him. This is too intense and painful to go on, but He is there and will sustain us.

The death of my husband has strengthened my faith. I would never have wished this reality on myself or my children, but watching God’s hand move in our lives has been nothing short of spectacular. So I choose to worship. I choose joy. I choose to praise and magnify the creator of this universe, while I am still aching and confused, because HE IS GOOD.