I Am Not A Victim – Unexpected Progress in Grieving

I am not a victim of my circumstances. Some crazy things have happened this year (a lot of which I haven’t shared). It is not about the circumstances, but how I respond to it. Would I rather have Marcus here? Of course. But I can’t change that. What I CAN control is what do I do from here? I will not sit here and feel sorry for myself. I know what I want for me, and for my kids, and I can make steps to get there. One step forward, one step at a time. Sometime it is barely a limp or shuffle, but it is movement. I can’t be stuck here, sitting in the sadness. Change what you can, and accept what you can’t.

I had a really interesting moment a couple weeks ago. I can talk about Marcus without crying or getting a lump in my throat at this point. I mean, of course I have my moments and bad days, but generally I am doing really well. I was driving on the way to tennis with my family and I thought of Marcus, as I do 3,895 times every day. Except, this thought felt different. I was trying to explain to a friend, without much success, but you might understand if you’ve been there. Even though I can think of Marcus and reflect on memories and be ok, it is usually with a touch of sad. Not overwhelming, just the aura. This time, it was fact. Marcus fact, not Marcus sad.

It was weird.

I know I am in a good place, that I have grieved well, but it was odd to have a different feeling. Like it was more solid, more of a fact than emotion.

I am not a therapist and I have been to counseling (please everybody go to counseling!) but it was good to be in tune to my thoughts and emotions and have another layer of healing. I didn’t realize I needed more, but here I am. I have made it through the fire. Then more fire (and then some more!) was thrown at me. And guess what? I am still standing. And I am stronger. And I miss Marcus, but I am moving forward. With him. For him. And nothing can stop me now.

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Nicole Warner

Hi, I'm Nicole. I am a twenty-something with a lot of drive and way too many interests. I have the most amazing little family; I'm married to the most amazing man I know (seriously, not even exaggerating). I have the three sweetest and most adorable children ever. I spend my days wiping bums and trying to catch up on laundry, while squeezing in a cute outfit or DIY project while trying not to burn dinner. Obsessed with: Coffee Jesus My family Interior Design Fashion Cooking Health (not in that order) Join me on this little journey called life, and maybe we can try and find some humor in it along the way!

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